My Defender Part 1-(Even When It Hurts)

Opening up about last year, after my first few months of being comfortable in the state of darkness and having the numbness suppress my mind, heart and soul. The feelings of shame, guilt, abandonment and feeling alone, I know I needed to feel something. Even if it wasn’t something tangible, I needed to feel something spiritual. This song playing through this sizzle reel below “Even When It Hurts by Hillsong” I actually found by accident. Sometimes those are my best moments in life, when you find things you didn’t plan on finding or running into. That’s why I like to call those moments “Living on Purpose.” God I know had something to say to me through the message of this song. This song definitely moved me and got my undivided attention. I’ll never forget that moment on the train where my spirit was escaping from these dark walls and started soaring back to light. My mind was becoming flooded with HOPE from all this anguish, guilt and shame. This heavy vail that had been weighing me down was being ripped off. As the lyrics were being sung, I was overwhelmed and I started crying. As more lyrics were being sung, I started weeping on that train and not caring who was looking at me. I needed this moment right here. This moment of healing, restoration and just simply feeling God’s unconditional LOVE embrace every fragile bone and vain in my body that was limp and numb. I no longer wanted to have shattered emotions and have this darkness continue to suppress me. I wanted to be brought back to LIFE. This song was leading me to open up these past wounds and scars to God. To this day, I still can’t explain how overwhelming it was to have God with me through this tender but also enriching moment on that train ride. In life we go through some pretty hard and painful stuff. Instead of getting healing for it, some of us may want to try and forget about what happened to us that leads us to put these (emotional bandages) over our wounds instead of facing them head-on, something that I did growing up all these years. This moment led me to want every bandage ripped off mentally and emotionally because I know I needed some divine healing into each and everyone of my wounds and scars. Who knew that one song would break me and would help me in getting through my pain and lead me back to fall into the LOVING arms of Jesus for comfort and healing. Through these lyrics, it was AMAZING to see the reflection of how this song was playing in my actual life. The more I replayed this song over and over, it made me realize that even through the worst and most painful times of my life, I need to praise Jesus. “Even when it makes no sense to sing. LOUDER than I’ll sing your praise. I WILL ONLY SING YOUR PRAISE.” What I went through is not so much about me, it’s about the supernatural evidence that God is ALIVE. HE is the HEALER of ALL HEALER’S. HE is my RESCUER. HE is the ALMIGHTY KING that saved HIS hurting and broken daughter from darkness. Which is why I choose to worship and serve HIM. Which is why I choose to walk this narrow road in a hurting, fallen, and broken world that we live in today. I know some may not understand all of this, and that’s okay. I don’t expect anyone to. Healing is a journey. Just like me walking with Jesus is a journey. Some of you may be going through a hard time right now. Some of you may feel alone, or abandoned. Some of you may be thinking no one understands me. Some of you may feel numb. Some of you may be feeling shame and guilt. Some of you may be suffering mentally, and physically. Maybe spiritually. Some of you may be too ashamed to open up to anyone. Some of you may feel trapped. Some of you may be too wounded to get up and keep moving forward. How would I know? Because I have felt and have gone through ALL these feelings before. I’m here to tell you that I can empathize with you and to also tell you that YOU’RE LOVED. The two things that got me through my MOST painful, darkest and difficult times last year from the trauma of abuse and molestation and then through these summer months from my early miscarriage was through journal writing and the power of music.

Earlier this month, I had an opportunity to speak at Training Zone Youth Group in Live Oak California. This sizzle reel below is what I had playing as my intro before I got into speaking with the youth. Music and writing were my sources of HOPE in finding Jesus through the depths of darkness and being led out by HIS LIGHT. Journal writing and music also became the start to my healing journey and is what is continuing to give me restoration, joy, peace, and LOVE back into this former tainted heart. By God’s Grace and the leadership HE has on my life, I want to continue to share (our) story with others. Healing starts with stepping out in FAITH. Believing that there’s HOPE. Knowing that you will be caught, saved and embraced by HIS LOVE.

M U S I C: Even When It Hurts by Hillsong/My Defender by Jeremy Camp

E D I T I N G  C R E D: The Hubs

F I L M I N G  L O C A T I O N: Mamaroneck New York & Mamaroneck Harbor, My backyard & Central Park



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